The other night, I was listening to a webinar featuring Hypnotherapist Marisa Peer. The topic was about rejection and she took us through a short hypnotherapy session to go back to the first time we felt rejection. Needless to say, the session brought a lot of ~feels~, which got me thinking…
At first, a lot of house-settling noises kept jolting me out of the session but I kept returning back to the same spot: a field in my old neighbourhood in Kentucky, catching fireflies. I won’t get into all of the deep-seated feeling energy there but it was intense! Then I burst into tears when we were guided to meet with our younger selves between the ages of 2 – 8. I saw little Katzi sitting in her room in Germany with pin-straight, jet-black hair and severe bangs. I stared at myself in disbelief and then rushed over to little K to hold her. We were both crying our eyes out with each other. It was so jarring and important to me because I’m a typical people-pleasing Libra and all of these things with rejection cut to the bone.
I’ve never really had a sense of true belonging, no matter how hard I tried. I would try to fit it but I would never feel like my true Self. I would try to stand out but people thought I was “too weird”. Then, social media came along and I still feel like I’m on the outside looking in, in a way.
Then I attended an AstroTarot class with Kelley and Carrie. Carrie discussed the Astrological signs and planets while Kelley talked about their Major Arcana counterparts. All of this started stirring up my feelings about the planets and significances of Astro folks in my life. After class, I asked Carrie why Saturn, specifically the hexagon on Saturn’s north pole, made me so uncomfortable. She told me to look at where Saturn falls in my chart and start there.
I looked up my chart on astro.com and found my Saturn to be in Libra in the 4th house. I had to sketch it out for myself so that I could connect with it more and feel my way into my chart. You can read about Saturn in Astrology here but I wanted to say that, to me, Saturn is very limiting and I don’t like how that feels at all! But there was something else in my chart that felt very isolating: Chiron. While a majority of the planets are lumped between my 3rd and 7th houses, Chiron is out there floating in the 12th house. All I know about Chiron is that it’s called the “Wounded Healer”. Chiron represents our deepest wounds and ability to heal them. I kind of let that sit for a minute because my 12th house is in Taurus, which is wild because Taurus is fairly significant to me for reasons I could write about another time.
Then I received a wonderful reading by Benebell Wen. Guess what the topic was? Chiron in Taurus (!!!). As I was going through her reading (over and over – such great insight!), the “Isolationist” theme kept coming up. For me, a lot of fear resides there, which is 100000000% true. The reading left me with my jaw wide open and tears in my eyes. It was eerily accurate and I’m obsessed with it. In fact, I’m going to inquire about a Past Life Reading from her soon!
All of this fear has caused me to freeze, feeling the full effects of the “fear of the unknown”. This type of fear is an extreme form of self-sabotage and I’m so ready to be DONE with it! I’ve been holding myself back for too long. This “Isolationist” attitude has got to go, too. I’m tired of being that typical people-pleasing Libra, dammit! I feel that that is also another extreme form of self-sabotage. I think Benebell’s beautiful reading was the final thing to tell me, “Hey girl, it’s *finally* time for Shadow Work. You’re ready for this.”
But the other question still remains: Why the eff does Saturn make me so uncomfortable?!